Chris continues: I loved sports. I played baseball in particular, from little league up to high school. I quit playing my senior year in high school in spite of possibly playing college ball. My coaches and other players kept asking me to play but I was bent on full time rebellion. No responsibility, discipline or sports for me. I remember the knot in my stomach when the season started.

I prayed to be influential and have meaning and still assumed I would fail. In spite of doing what seemed like all the right things, I believed Jesus was too busy. I thought He forgot about me. I noticed that the people who went to church looked unhappy and seemed phony instead of joyful like the songs they sang and the Bible stories they read. Something was wrong, but I didn’t know what. I was confused. I finally gave up on God.

I have a lot of examples in my life where I quit trying because I figured I would fail anyhow. This is a common theme since I can remember. Sadly, many of the things I quit were actually things I was good at. "At least if I quit it doesn't look like I failed. Quitting gives me control,” I told myself.

I hurt many girls because of my fear of rejection and failure. I often ended dating relationships and friendships because of underlying fears and trust issues. A girl would start to really care for me and I would bail.

I went to an extreme and began to live dangerously. My high school and early college years were marked by reckless abandon. I drank excessively. I smoked and partied incessantly. Blackouts, drinking and driving and self-destructive actions were routine. I ended up in scary places. I was lost. I gave up hope. I daydreamed about my funeral and wondered if death would be a relief. I had quit again.

In college I went from straight A’s to partial attendance in class. Speech class was an absolute nightmare. The very thought of public speaking put me in a panic. I am not talking about sweaty palms and butterflies; I was paralyzed by dread, panic, anxiety and worry sweeping over me. Intrusive thoughts seemed to control me: What if I say the wrong thing? What if the class laughs? What if I mess up? What if I forget my lines? What if I fail?

For two years I tried and failed to beat the terror of speech class. I finally transferred as a sophomore rather than a junior due to the missing speech credit. My terror started again in the new college because I still had to take speech to graduate. Now the classes were larger. Fear fueled my drinking. That is when I got the two DUIs.

Because it fit my major I decided to try an internship with a Christian counseling ministry. My first few days included observing prayer sessions. The sessions were intense. My fear rose and by the end of each session I had pushed my chair into the very corner of the room. In three days I decided that praying with people was not for me. I was going to quit. I would get away from this terror once again. That evening I told God, “You have the wrong man for this job. If you want me to do this work, please show me. Otherwise I pack my bags and leave tomorrow.” I quickly turned off the light believing I would leave the following morning. 

A strange and sudden thought woke me up. “Isaiah 61” hung in my mind. “Where did this come from?” I asked myself. I did not understand what “Isaiah 61” was or meant. It sounded like something that would be in the Bible, so I turned on the light and grabbed the nearest Bible. In the index I discovered there was a book of Isaiah. Surprised, I searched to see if there was a 61^st chapter. There was. After reading the chapter in two different Bible versions I concluded that God was speaking. The chapter’s theme was what I saw the previous three days - counselors “preaching good news to the poor…binding up the broken hearted…proclaiming freedom for the captives.” I found myself doing what I had not done in a long time. I bowed in prayer and worshipped the God who hears.

For once in my life I felt and believed that God was with me. He knew me. He was aware of my circumstances. This time I didn’t quit. I finished my internship. I told Jesus I would pursue Him. That path led eventually to THRIVE and discovering the 19 brain skills I needed. For me, it was also the way back to my childhood dreams of making a difference and, yes, becoming a pastor.

I started working with Dr. Jim Wilder developing THRIVE training exercises. I was very attracted to the Life Model and Jim needed a partner to turn the theory he had worked on for decades into practical training experiences. Together we took the Life Model principles and designed training exercises that were as close to ideal as possible. I naturally practiced these skills and exercises myself. I would then test them with volunteers in a community setting. My community included a small congregation where I became pastor. Now being a pastor means speaking in front of people.

Before long I was planning and leading the THRIVE conference training. Being a leader for THRIVE conferences required public speaking. On top of speaking, these public events are often recorded. I found I had another debilitating fear: filming. This is quite a fear for a boy who dreamed of being an actor! I froze in front of a video camera. Paralyzing fear once again overtook me. My thoughts turned disorganized. I quickly forgot my lines. I stumbled over sentences. Fear and unprocessed trauma gripped me. Hopelessness crept in. I was failing, again. 

This time I had new tools to work with. I had a connection with Jesus. I had been learning the THRIVE brain skill of returning to joy from fear and the other five negative feelings. I had learned how fear affects the brain’s control center and how to quiet myself. I was learning the Godsight skill – how to see things as God does. “Why am I so afraid?” I asked Jesus using the Immanuel process we teach in THRIVE and Thriving. What emerged was that I frequently suffered from excruciating severe ear infections as a child. Eventually I underwent ear tube surgery at the ages of 2 and 4 to bring relief to my constant pain. Small tubes were inserted into my eardrums in order to ventilate the area behind the eardrum. Severe pain caused me to lose a good portion of my hearing. As a result, my speech skills suffered. During specific times when words, sounds and language were developing, I could not pronounce certain vowels or sounds. As a result I ended up in speech therapy up to eighth grade. Reading out loud or in front of my class became a source of pain and anxiety.

The Immanuel Process restored me and soon my terror was gone. Interacting with the active presence of Jesus introduced peace and resolution to my life. Meanwhile THRIVE and the 19 skills radically transformed me and my relationships. I felt hopeful. I learned that attachment pain drove my deadly behavior and depression. The Life Model and THRIVE Conference taught me how to recognize my pain and proactively process it. I resolved old wounds that hindered my growth. I no longer stayed the infant who wanted everything to feed me. I grew up. I sought healthy connection with people instead of numbing, withdrawing and disconnecting. I created belonging around me instead of disappointment. I headed toward maturity and wholeness. I stopped drinking.

My joy increased. The newfound joy enhanced my capacity to recover from unpleasant emotions and pain. I discovered helpful, effective solutions to the five levels of pain that defined me. I was no longer immature, unstable and restless. Lies I once believed disappeared. I discovered my main pain and heart characteristic were closely connected. What I used to view as weaknesses were actually strengths. My sensitivity and compassion helped me understand the heart of God. My desire for meaning was an expression of the importance of life and fellowship. I quit living dangerously. I gained confidence. I learned failure is but a word, not a monster. I discovered the lack of maturity makes people do foolish things – even for Christians. I no longer feared video cameras and I liked public speaking. I became a pastor and an international speaker. Now I help others who are stuck, broken, hurting, addicted, fearful and unstable. I no longer dreamed about dying. I started living. 

About that point, early in my career as a prayer counselor, I met a very fearful woman named Jen. Like me, Jen knew there had to be something more to being a Christian than what she had experienced but unlike me Jen was not prone to give up. Here is what she says:

Jen continues: I wanted so badly for people to protect me from their own reactions. I struggled to make people keep promises and help me trust them. I constantly pursued people in relationships and when that did not produce my desired results I’d back off, but pursue again at the next opportunity. Without being able to recognize my triggers I would slime everyone around me with my triggered junk from the past. That ended some relationships for me.

Chris knew me in those days. He says, “Some of my first impressions were that Jen was extremely tense and difficult to relate to. Jen appeared guarded; she often seemed to distance and protect herself. From shallow breathing to her jumpy anxiety, Jen’s fearful caution seemed like her natural state. I knew there was more to this young lady but she was so shielded it was hard to detect. Jen radiated tension. I often left conversations feeling tense rather than peaceful.

“Over time and through a bit of trust, we developed a friendship. I consistently noticed Jen had low joy. I could tell Jen had the heart desire to connect with others but it seemed fear would often steal any hope she had of gaining a bit of joy. Low on joy and even lower on peace, Jen seemed to fear what she wanted the most - authentic, safe relationships. Her internal restlessness seemed endless. I believe her despair ran even deeper. She often mentioned her struggle with deep depression and how debilitating this was on her life. I remember one day Jen telling me that her getting out of bed made it a good day.

“One of the major struggles I recognized in Jen was her intense fear. Jen grappled with fear, often on the verge of terror. She focused most of her energy on trying to avoid what scared her. Jen was very good at pursuing her friends and comfortable at giving but when it came time to receive and synchronize, Jen seemed unable to do so.”

It seemed impossible that I could have safe relationships I could trust free of fear. I did not think anyone would actually care about me or what was important to me. I could not feel peaceful with people. I wished someone would be consistent, dependable and take me into account so I could feel peace.

Small things like making phone calls, going to the grocery store, checking e-mail or deciding what to eat would overwhelm me. I could find very little enjoyment in life.  I had trouble enjoying time with friends because I was worrying about when I would get to see them again. My enjoyment of going out and doing anything was taken away by my fears about spending money or not having enough. Planning all the details of time with a friend and stressing out if something went wrong stole my enjoyment of their visit. I couldn't handle it if little things went wrong, if a friend cancelled our plans, if someone got upset with me, if I couldn’t think of something to make for lunch, didn’t have the ingredients for dinner or if things didn’t go as I planned.

It seemed impossible that I would ever be able to have relationships where it was not only safe to be myself, but joyfully welcomed. It seemed so impossible that I could be myself that I lost track of what that would look like.  It never even occurred to me that I could not only be myself in relationships that were “safe” but also in relationships where that could be scary. I never imagined I could learn how to deal with my fear rather than trying to avoid situations or people that “caused” it.

Without the THRIVE first year skill of knowing how to rest, I constantly pushed myself. Even in my “down time” I had to be doing something like knitting or grading papers while watching a movie. This resulted in unpredictable exhaustion.

Avoiding things that scared me stopped me from trying new things or enjoying them if I did try them. I was afraid of what could go wrong, afraid to leave the house, afraid of people outside of my small circle of friends, constantly thinking about the “worst case scenario” and would lay in bed at night paralyzed with fear, unable to fall asleep for hours.

By the time I attended my first THRIVE in 2002 I was on disability for my emotional instability. I had none of the 19 brain skills needed for relationships and stability. I constantly felt the need to be in control of everything! Since I could not control my brain’s unstable control center, or myself I tried to control my surroundings by ordering and organizing every day, planning everything in advance with contingency plans, trying to predict what was going to happen in relationships and with other people, holding people to the things they said and telling them what to do (especially family members.)

Chris remembers that first THRIVE well. “Jen’s initial change became noticeable during the first THRIVE Conference in 2002. Throughout the conference I often had to look twice to know whether I was seeing Jen accurately. At times it appeared as though Jen was literally glowing. Instead of tension, she was radiating joy and it was obvious. She looked like a light bulb that was finally plugged into an electrical source. I thought to myself, “Wow, this girl is alive!”

“I knew something was happening with Jen but I was not sure what it was. Throughout the week I watched as Jen interacted with others, laughed and built joy – right before my very eyes! Something was happening all right. Jen was plugged in. Something in me responded to what I observed in Jen throughout the week. I asked her out on our first date soon afterwards. Little did I know the future God had in store for us as we chatted nervously over oatmeal and biscuits and gravy.”

Before learning the second year skills of returning to joy I couldn’t handle interactions where I felt I did something wrong or someone else felt I did something wrong. (Shame) I made all decisions based on fear and what would help me avoid what I was afraid of. I could not stay in relationships with most people. (Fear) I felt as though the world was going to end if I couldn’t finish something on time. (Hopeless) I couldn’t let go of things if something made me angry. (Return to joy from anger)

All my life I had focused on having others pay attention to me and meet my needs. They had to do things just a certain special way or it did not count. They needed to please me in the way I had been looking for since childhood. I had lost track of others and was doing to them the same thing that had caused me so much pain – not seeing them and making things all about me.

As I began to learn the second year THRIVE brain skills, I started to be able to recover from things that used to ruin my day-week-month. I used to be undone by an argument with family members, a disagreement with Chris, failing at something or being reprimanded. Now I could keep the relationship going and learn to act like myself. Instead of terror at losing friendships, making the wrong decision or not being able to complete something on time I began to experience Jesus in the present. I also learned to let Him help me with the things in the past. I started to be able to recognize my triggers and own my part rather than slime everyone around me. These wonderful skills led to a growing relationship with Chris and eventually to our marriage.

Chris says, “With each conference Jen grew and blossomed. In between conferences she practiced exercises, became purposeful about living the Life Model and applied the 19 Skills. I began to experience a different Jen, one who synchronized with me in the midst of my emotions. She began to rest. Jen gained within herself an unshakable peace. Fear and depression no longer controlled her. She initiated, synchronized and dropped what seemed like a cloak of anxiety and tension. I stood in awe at the changes I observed and, more importantly, the changes I experienced in our friendship and marriage. I now had a partner!

“I noticed a change in myself, too. I discovered a newfound freedom to discuss my pain and inner struggles with Jen. She not only listened, but she synchronized with me. When I used to share intimate details of my struggles, I soon regretted what I said. I often walked away thinking “I shared too much and it overwhelmed her.” Jen’s inability to regulate her own emotions tipped her over the edge whenever I expressed my struggles. I often walked away from those conversations feeling alone and saddened. I would say to myself, ‘I’m not doing that again!’

“The smothering tension I once felt from Jen was also disappearing. Where I used to “filter” and even minimize topics to avoid having Jen go into immediate overwhelm I could now talk about a bad day at work. Jen stayed connected and engaged. I could react in anger or hopelessness to something and Jen kept the focus of attention on me rather than demanding a solution for her. With each new change I experienced with Jen I felt more hopeful and happy. “Hot” triggering topics, such as money and trust soon became subjects we could discuss. I enjoyed feeling the difference in myself after talking with Jen about issues that had once been very touchy. I watched as our intimacy grew and the freedom to be ourselves spread rapidly. Jen and I now processed our day together and the result was peace, joy and satisfaction. Sometimes I would tell her, “Jen, you handled my overwhelm today like a pro – way to go!” We rejoiced and celebrated the refreshing transformation in our relationship.”

I started paying attention to my capacity and learned from there to regulate my feelings. Joy built up inside me. I started to find joy in the little things. I felt more stable, steady and able to be consistent. I could pay attention to my limits and take care of myself when I was approaching them. I felt like I learned the skills to help myself with a bit of help from Jesus. I also learned when I needed to ask for additional help from people. My relationships improved. I did not feel as dependant on those around me. I started to feel that some relationships could actually be safe. I started to be able to recover from things that used to ruin my day – week – month. It was slow progress and not always obvious to me but is clear in retrospect. I started to feel safe with my own feelings. I no longer feared my feelings would swallow me.

I began working once again, improved relationships with family members, started and ran a department for Shepherd’s House and began to run the THRIVE training program itself. Soon I was able to begin passing on the skills that have so profoundly changed my life and my generation to people taking the first year of THRIVE training. It seems almost unbelievable to think back on where my life had been just 5 years before.

All that energy that previously went into keeping me from going out-of-control found a helpful use in giving structure to the THRIVE program. I worked together with Chris and Jim Wilder to identify and number the skills we teach. We arranged to have specific exercise for each skill and optimize the number of minutes of training for each. We put them in careful order over the three-year training period. As we systematically re-did the training exercises for every conference and named all the skills, it answered the question of what was making such a difference in my life. I realized clearly that when I was first introduced to these skills I had none of them. I was most deficient in all of the returning to joy and acting like myself (especially fear, hopeless despair and shame), quieting myself, knowing when to disengage and recognizing the sark skills.

The next logical step was to organize the skill practice that was needed between one THRIVE training and the next. It has given me huge peace and satisfaction to prepare this training program. I know what this training has done for me and I want it to work well for others. In fact, there are a number of improvements over what I did personally because there was no plan and no organized set of exercises for me to follow when I was learning the 19 skills.

Chris and Jen are each amazed with their changes and agree that no one would want to be married to them the way they were. Together they lead the THRIVE training program and teach the brain skills for Thriving Recovery. They know what is possible on the other side of addiction and trauma. Now they are equipping others with the skills to thrive.